Is Psychosomatic Pain Real?
I have had this conversation so many times with so many medical professionals and the answer is, YES, YES, YES. The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that the pain is not real. The pain may not be caused by an organic cause that can be fixed with medication but none the less the pain is real. The pain is caused by your thinking and that takes place in your brain, your brain is where you register that what you are feeling is organic pain so yes even if it is psychosomatic then you are still feeling real pain.
I have suffered from psychosomatic pain since I was 21 when all of a sudden I had this horrible headache after bashing my head that lasted months and months and month until it, or should I say I, turned it into a brain tumour. At the age of 23 I suffered severe heart problem which was going to kill me. The truth is there was no heart problem, it was chest pain and a host of other symptoms that I had experienced through stress. I knew from then on that stress came out of me in physical symptoms. Unfortunately my brain at the time is unable to compute this, instead it turns the symptoms into an automatic death sentence. Since all of this I have developed a health anxiety to boot. So whenever I have any type of pain or discomfort that doesn’t disappear quickly then all of a sudden I am dying. I haven’t got a muscle strain in my leg, I have a blood clot or I haven’t a persitent headache, instead I have a brain tumour. I catastrophise everything that it is health related with me. Crazy but I just cannot help it, this is just the way it is for now.
I am now in thearpy and my therapist thinks that I do not acknowledge my feelings when I am feeling them, I bury them away and then they morph into a physical symptom as my entire body is shouting ‘Hey, you know what I am bloody stressed, run down and you need to listen up and take note of what is going on’ but my brain doesn’t say it, instead my body reacts to the stress and comes out in a physical symptom. Apparently I have burried my feelings for so long that I don’t even know I am actually feeling stressed. I just accept everything for what it is and move on without actually dealing with anything.
I have also noticed that these ‘near death anxiety psychosomatic’ events seem to occur when there is nothing going on in my life and when I really do have no problems. I cope better under pressure and when there is no longer anything to cope with this is when the bastard gets me. Its like the obligatory Christmas Cold. You get the cold when you are relaxing and this is the way that anxiety get to me.
It sucks but it is just the way it is, or actually perhaps I shouldn’t just accept it, perhaps that is part of the problem and I just need to learn my feelings and deal with the emotions when the occur?
Can anyone relate or am I just crazy all by myself?
Fringe – XFiles Meets Lost
We watch edthe first episode of Fringe last night on Sky1 and I have to say that it was really fab and will definitely be tuning in each week. Can really see that that one of the creators worked on Lost too, the music between each scene cliffhanger is the same, perhaps their budget was running out at that point? It was a little on the unrealistic side and I think that too much happened but I guess it was the pilot so no doubt things will slow down in future episodes.
When I first tuned in last night I was really apprehensive as I do not want to watch another ‘Lost’, where you lose hours of your life and are always none the wiser and after each episode you always have more questions than answers. Swear to God that Lost will never end, it will go on so long that everyone that has been following it will have died so there is no need for it to conclude. If Lost ever does reach a conclusion that I can guarantee that all of us who have invested so many man hours into watching it will be bitterly dissappointed in the outcome, nothing can ever live up to the amount of build up that we have gone through and meet our ever so high expectations.
Good to see Joshua Jackson back doing something, only ever seen him in Dawson’s Creek, this seems like a far better role given his age now. Really recognise the black guy who is Dunam’s boss and have no idea what he has been in, this will no doubt bug me forever me, may have to google it.
Anyways will eagerly await next weeks episode and hope that it will keep up with the pilot.
Will the headache become a Brain Tumour
I’ve had a headache of some kind for the past two weeks now. Knowing me so well it is only a matter of time before a simple harmless headache will miraculously morph into a bull blown life treatening condition such as a brain tumour. I feel OK about it at the moment but the longer it goes on the more chances there are that I’ll start to think way too much about it and will start questioning why it hasn’t gone yet and then all of a sudden I will self diagnose it as a brain tumour.
I hate the way that anything health wise within me turns out into a death sentence despite medical reassurances and the fact that I haven’t died yet.
Man this health anxiety sucks! Why won’t my bloody headache go???!! Arrggghhhh
Watch this space to see how it morphs!
The Diary of a Nutter
Not really sure why I am posting it to be honest. I just had a read through and I can see that I have made a huge amount of progress and I figure that if others do read this then perhaps they can see what a state I was in and that we can all get better if given enough time.
Saturday 5th April 2008
I don’t really know what is going on. This whole thing seems to be never ending, I know that the doctors feel that they have done everything that they need to do medically and I keep telling myself that all tests have come back negative. It is brilliant that all of the major tests have been done and that nothing serious has been found, I have to keep saying this over and over. I really am trying everything, if this is just something muscular skeletal with stress, anxiety and depression (which I do keep trying to convince myself) then I don’t know why I cannot control anything that is going on in my body. Looking at it logically, which I can, I know why people feel that I am in no danger, all the tests have come back negative and they don’t see any physical changes in me, don’t get me wrong I am not saying that people are ganging up on me, it is just hard for them to understand and put them selves in my position and I really do try and see things from their perspective. However, it really does seem to get worse each day, again the theory is that because I am focusing on it too much and telling myself that I am in imminent danger with death looming in the not too distant future is making me feel like I am getting worse, and from previous experience I know that the mind is an incredibly powerful thing and that you can give yourself symptoms that seem physical but with no medical cause. I am the first to admit this, you only have to look back at Maidstone to see what I am capable of doing to myself and I need say no more, that was really the start of ‘panic attack Sam’ .
I Just know that this gets worse everyday and I really am trying. I am doing everything that I am supposed to do. Wave music, camomile tea, deep breathing, trying to be positive, reading, seeing people, going out occasionally, osteopath, cardiologist, reflexologist and now an appointment with spiritual healer. BUT despite this it still gets worse, I am getting the pains in my chest, crushing in my chest and back, sometimes sharp stabbing pains just left of the chest centre, pains up my neck, fullness to my neck, pins and needles which sometimes burn up both arms, shooting pains up my left arm and sometimes in my right arm too. I am now struggling to breath at times and I have noticed that my circulation has become poorer than ever, one minute I will be a horrible pasty white and the next I am turning a purpley, bluey colour with red patches. My heart doesn’t beat right no matter what the **** I do. I am not really sure what else I am supposed to do in order for this to improve. This is nothing like Maidstone, I can hold a conversation, can stay calm, concentrate, and I don’t feel the panic anymore ( I admit that there was a huge element of panic at the beginning). I really could be wheeled into the doctors surgery a minute from death and look like it and they would say that it was all bloody stress and anxiety. If only they had bloody seen me anxious then they would know that I am not doing this to myself. Yet, it is not just the doctors anymore, it is also everyone that I speak to, I know that they really think that about 90% of this is in my head.
To be honest I don’t even know what is happening to me. I know that I had a tough labour. I know that I had the infection. I know that I am a worrier and is someone prone to panic and anxiety. Yet I know that this is not me, I have tried far too many times to tell myself that and yet it gets worse. The doctors ask me what I think is wrong with me and the answer is that I don’t know, I’m not a ******* doctor but my body is telling me that this is my heart. I know that the tests have come back clear, which I add again is good, but I feel that they have missed something as this really is dreadful. I would never in my life have called an ambulance before. And I know that this is just not that good. I think that obviously is has to do with the labour and/or possibly the infection. I just think that I have strained my heart or perhaps the infection has damaged my heart, but I also do not see how every test could say that my heart is normal if one of surmises were true. The only thing that I can think is that my heart is damaged yet they haven’t seen it because t falls within normal parameters. I know that that sounds crazy but I really know that this is not me, I wish to **** that it were and I pray to god every night to heal me or at least let me know that there is nothing wrong. People think that I just have this pain in my chest but it isn’t that, its all the other things that go along with it. I just don’t know what to do or where to go, I feel like this could well be a life threatening condition. They are putting my high pulse down to the fact that I am anxious, yet when I was anxious and in ICU my pulse was 42-6 7 when I was hooked up to that machine, then it would shoot up when I sat up, now that doesn’t make sense to me. Unfortunately only I know what I am like and when I am panicking and only I can feel what is going on with my body. I am starting to feel calmer about the whole thing as I have no choice but to try everything and just go with it, if that means dying then I really have to try and make the most of my time with my beautiful son who I am so proud to call mine and a fantastic husband who is always there for me.
Logically if I had some serious heart condition/damage/defect then surely one of the many tests would have picked something up. The only thing that I can think is that all the tests were done so long ago when it all started that the damage wasn’t great enough to be picked up. Yet then I have to say to myself that I have since had an echo, troponin blood test and a chest x-ray and they have all come back normal. Surely nothing can have been missed, but honest to god I know that this is my heart. It’s like two people in my head trying to push a boulder yet they are both pushing on opposite sides rather than the same side and the boulder just isn’t moving. I need to try and stop thinking about it all the time, but it is so bloody hard as my body keeps on reminding all of the time that this is going on and there is never any respite from it.
I know that everyone is talking sense to me and I would be saying the same to them if roles were reversed yet this never stays the same or ever get any better. I have so much that I want to do. All I want to be is a normal family, I have such high hopes for being a wonderful mother yet I feel that the opportunity is being taken away from me and that I may somehow not even be in his future.
I really wish that this would improve even slightly. I have missed out so much already with Ashton and with being a new mum and I don’t want to miss anymore. Rod is right, I am looking for a quick fix and the answer is that there isn’t one. I just hope and pray that there will be a fix, no matter what the problem is and I also hope to god that for once that I am wrong and that this is me and not a heart problem. I really hope that I am wrong! Something that you never hear me say but on this occasion I would pay to be wrong.
The plan is: take the meds that the docs want me to, go down the anxiety route with the doctors, see the osteopath, the spiritual healer, mims, Dr Martin, the counsellor and make a real effort to pull myself together and to make the most of the time that I have whether it is 5 days or 50 yrs. At the end of the day no one knows when they are going to go and to be honest I could spend the rest of my life saying that I am dying and to be honest I may as well be dead as I am not living. Even if I am dying then I have to live whilst I am alive. Spend more real time with Ashton and be a real Mum, if I live for the next 50yrs and I look back and realise that I have wasted this time then I know that I will regret it with all of my heart, if I were to die next week then at least I will die knowing that I have been a good mum whilst on this earth.
I love my boys so much, and I love my life so much, I just never realised until now.
9th April 2008
I had such an awful night last night. The pain was waking me up and when I awoke I felt like I couldn’t breath, it’s like my body didn’t want me to sleep. It woke me about every hour. I got so scared, it feels like I’m dying and again I had to wake Rod. I really feel like I am right and I know that Rod thinks that he is right. It’s such an awful situation.
I got up at about 08:30 and rang my Mum, I was harping on about the usual that I am dying and no one believes me. I know that no one can do anything yet I still beg for help from anyone that will listen. Why do I do that, I know that no one can help me?
Went to the appointment at MIMS. Dr Puffett was really nice but it wasn’t what I expected. She started straight off by saying that she didn’t want to talk to me about my medical symptoms and pain, instead she wanted to talk about me. We had to literally go through my life from birth. She wanted to know about where I was brought up, what I was like at school, what home life was like, she wanted to talk about the miscarriage, what I thought about having Ashton. I always knew that if they heard fully about my life then they would try and write it all down to some kind of repression.
Anyway their conclusion was that they think that that this is psychological and that I will get through it if I take two drugs and see her once a week for the next four weeks.
I just cannot see that it is me doing all of this to myself. The cold feet, change in circulation, roaring in my ears, pains in chest and back, pressure, headache, night sweats, high and then low pulse etc etc The pain is so great that it feels like heart pain and not the kind of heart pain that I dreamt up last time when I was in Maidstone. The Dr did say that I hadn’t done it to myself and that it was a mixture of the time I spent in hospital and that it was my body doing it to me but that was basically fuelled by my head along with stress, anxiety and now the depression. I just know that I have done all that I can to sort myself out and there is never any improvement, it always just gets worse. She said that I need to try and cut out looking for answers, stop seeing all of the different people that I have been seeing like the Osteopath for instance and stop trying so hard to get better and prove that it is or isn’t me doing. I have to say that I am a little disappointed with the whole thing, I thought that they would offer more than a couple of tablets and 4 hours worth of therapy over four weeks, I thought that they were supposed to be the holy grail in resolving this horrible situation. I will do all as I am told though, I really want to get better and I would love for this to be all of the above rather than having a heart problem. She also said that I was very ill. Very comforting.
I have Dr Martin (private cardiologist) tomorrow so at least then I can question him about the symptoms that I am getting and he will be able to say whether they are or aren’t heart related.
I just so want to get better and will do all that I can to help myself. I just hope that there is a break in the storm and something will start to improve soon, I cannot go on anymore as things are and I am sure that no one else can go on like this either
The Eastbourne Clinic
Tuesday 22nd April 2008
My Consultant Dr Eade came and saw me today, he is happy that it is not a Cardiac problem (shame I’m not!) and said that he would get the respiratory team to come and see me to rule out a respiratory problem and then trundled off to the next victim.
Rod called to say that I had a person from MIMS coming to see me and that they may have a bed for me at one of their clinics. Apparently it is a really nice lady called Alison who Rod spoke with, she was due at 14:00.
At 14:00 one of the nurses came to see me to say that my Dad had just left to come and see me, this is the first that I knew that he was coming to visit and it looks like it is going to clash with this Alison woman as she isn’t even here yet.
Dad turned up at about 2:45, he explained some things that have happened
And apparently the confrontation that we had at Kent and Sussex was because Rod had called up a couple of nights previously and said that Ashton had a bug and that he I couldn’t keep on going to the hospital and that a rota for his care needed to be arranged between them all. I said that everything would be best forgot and that we just go forward from here onwards and not look back at everything that had passed. He was also very tactful and said that he knew that it was all in my head and that nothing was wrong with me and that he had known that for weeks, he just wants his daughter and his grandchild back, Made me feel like ****, it’s not like I am doing any of this intentionally it is something that I have no control over and can just stop like that. Half way through his visit Alison turned up, at this point the hospital had not mentioned that she was coming but they were all aware of it. Rod was right, Alison really was a nice lady, I got a tearful as I had to go through the whole rig moral again and say that I was dying, she was great though and said that Dr Puffit was concerned and she thought that I was delusional. Anyway, she explained a bit about the place and said that it was in Eastbourne and that it was based at an old vicarage and hw did I feel about the thought of going there, my response was that I couldn’t go home and that I was sure that I would be discharged so I would rather go there than anywhere else. She then went away to call them to say that I would take the bed and also to see if she could get the funding for my bed and that she would come back in 10 minutes or so. Went back to my bed and told Dad a bit about it. Alison then came back and said that it was all set up and that I was going to go that evening once my meds had been sorted out. Called Rod to let him know that it would be tonight and that he needed to get all of mine and Ashton’s stuff together and that he would be driving us to Eastbourne. Dad then left shortly after.
Teresa the nurse then came and saw me and said that it would take a couple of hours for my medicines to be out together and that she was pleased that I was getting the help that I needed, my response once of course ‘what if its my heart and not my head’ she reassured me that they had tested for absolutely everything and everything had come back negative.
Off i went to the nut house. My what hell as happened to me and my life?
Friday 25th April 2008
Woke up at 6am and felt quite with it and alert but figured that it was too early to get up so went back to sleep, big mistake, when I woke up again at 7.15 I felt like I hadn’t been to sleep. Got up and had a shower, bloody scalded myself as the shower only has one temperature which is scalding. Had breakfast which was pretty uneventful.
Fed Ashton and spent sometime playing with him on the playmate, he really is so gorgeous and I love him too bits, everyone here absolutely adores him too, we really are so lucky to have such a chilled out baby.
Had a chat with Amanda, she did another risk assessment on me which I passed and I am now allowed to move upstairs which is great news, I will no longer feel like the troll under the bridge. She did my blood pressure which was 101/70 and my pulse was 71 which is also great news.
Spoke with Rod to let him know, his neck is bad, and he has a stinking headache but he seems pleased with the progress that I am making.
Spent more time with Ashton after lunch and then packed my room up.
Went for a walk with Tracey and Ashton up to the seafront, took about 45 minutes, weather wasn’t too bad, it was a bit grey but quite warm.
Came back and fed Ashton and then gave him a bath, he was a little sod to get to sleep, seems that he doesn’t want to miss out on anything at the moment. He has gone from sleeping constantly for the last two days to staying awake all day today!
Still getting the pains and the pins and needles and my pulse has now started to race since about 6pm. I really do not know what has happened to me and I still feel like there is something seriously physically wrong with me a lot of the time. I am however really trying hard to believe the anxiety route and to do everything in my power to get over it. It is just all so real and surreal at the same time. I really can’t see where this will end yet but I know that it is early days, I don’t actually feel that anxious compared to how I have in the past so I don’t know why my body is still reacting the way it does if this is all anxiety and or depression.
Rod is coming down tomorrow and will stay for most of the day, he should hopefully get here for about 10am and he is also staying for lunch which is Sirloin Steak. I am going to be one big mother by the time I leave here.
I am really enjoying being a mum; I just wish that none of this was happening
Saturday 26th April
It was a beautiful sunny day today, really warm and felt like a summers day.
Rod came up to visit today, he arrived at about 11am and brought all of Ashton’s clothes up and some more bits for me. We hung around the clinic and had lunch before heading out in the car. We went to The Crumbles and shpped in Asda and Next. In Asda I bought a top for £2.00, baby wipes, milk, nappies, fags, I Am Legend and Jack Johnsons new cd. In Next we bought a t-shirt for Keith’s birthday which is today, I got two t-shirts for Ashton, a nice purple top, Rod got himself a shirt for tonight. As it’s Keith’s birthday they are al going to The Oriental Buffet for dinner and then onto the Man, I think that there is a race night up there tonight, I have to admit that I am a little jealous. I so badly want to get back to normal, I really am trying my best but the pain is still there and I really do think at times that it can’t all be anxiety as I am calm a lot of the time. After we left The Crumbles we went The Toby Inn pub and I had a pint of lager, didn’t really hit the spot and only succeeded in making me really tired. We then headed back to the clinic and Rod left after about an hour or so at 4pm.
The new girl here, Ruth, is very odd indeed, I do however feel for her but I also feel unnerved in her presence, she talks to her self a lot and had a bit of an outburst in the dining room after we had been talking about flatulence.
All very odd this situation, I really do not understand what is happening and I really fail to see how I could do all of this to myself, my heart really does not beat right. I do however need to do all that I can to go along with the anxiety route as I really don’t want anything wrong with me and I need to help myself as much as possible. I am looking forward to seeing Dr Fitzpatrick again as maybe he can go through some of the physical things with me.
Decided that I need a project to keep myself busy, I think that I really will try and write a book, after all that was the reason that I bought this laptop in the first place. I figure that I really do have quite a bit of life experience, not all of it good, that could be used as material. Will try to do a page tonight, even if it is just brain storming.
Got Rod coming tomorrow and then Claire at 1pm, Crystal may pop up too.
Saturday 3rd May
Rod turned up and we had breakfast together and then got on the road with Ashton. Went via toys r us for a play mat but they didn’t have any, argos only had two **** ones. Then went via Sainsburys where rod got baby stuff and beers. Went home and checked out the new fridge – it is absolutely huge and the wallpapering in the bedroom looks good too.
Had a couple of beers, rod went to bed for a kip and then Crystal came around, then decided spur of the minute to have my haircut as that is where Crystal had just come from. Crystal came to Essentials with me, had lots of pain but managed to hide it quite well I think. Came out about 8 inches and 95 quid lighter. Dark brown with red in, it’s a bit shorter than I thought it would be,,
Then went to Keith and Chrissy’s for a BBQ. Dave, Erin, Emma, Arnie and Emma’s parents were there, by this time I had really bad pain so only managed a couple of hours then went home to bed.
Sunday 4th May
Woke up this morning the excruciating pain running from my sternum down, I know that it is an aortic dissection that I have, don’t think that I have much longer to be fixed. Begged Rod to take me to hospital, instead he called The Eastbourne Clinic and got Rita on the phone instead. We packed up to go back to the clinic. On route I managed to get Rod to drop me off at K and S, against his better judgement. They ran blood, did a chest x-ray and said that I was fine. I voiced my concerns over my aorta. Dr Cordula said that she didn’t think that it was an aortic dissection and that she recommends that I go the pantiles and visit her friend; she is a spiritual jewellery seller. Cordula also offered to let me have an ultrasound scan as an urgent outpatient, She was ever so nice and spent lots of time with me. Still in absolute agony though nd I know that it my aorta. Went back to the clinic, Rod called me a selfish ***** over dinner despite the fact that I was so upset and in tremendous agony, he then left. Can’t even begin the words to describe how hurt and alone I felt my him just leaving like that. All in a bit of an hysterical state, still in pain and still bashing my head against a brick wall. Dr Stevens came and saw me, useless twit of an on call doctor he is. He gave me ibruprofen and said that it wasn’t my aorta and that I need to wait to see Dr Fitzpatrick. Sure that’ll be a waste of time too, all he’ll do is up my antipsychotic drugs, lot of good that’ll do for my fucked aorta.
Laying on my bed now listening to Jack Johnson and awaiting a phone call from Rod which I am sure will not come. It’s like I’ve been deserted at the time I most need him. Starting to feel sleepy from the olanzapine.
If I live through the night today then tomorrow I am going to dress smart, do my hair and put on some slap so that some one here can take some photos of Ashton and I, at least then If the worst does happen then at least he will be able to see pictures of us together, Really cannot wait for what the story will be when he says ‘how did mummy die’. How do you dress up well mummy was physically ill with a dissected artery but everyone thought that she was mad and was suffering form post natal depression and anxiety when the truth was she was seriously ill and was depressed and anxious because of the pain. And to top it all off no one actually believed her, not her parents or her husband or even any of her friends, It was a tragic way for mummy to go especially as she knew that she was ill and that no one would help her and also for the fact that all of her family and friends thought that she was nuts.
Spent sometime with Ruth this evening, she is actually very nice and has been ever so supportive to me. Think that she has had a lot of problems in her life not to mention drink, drugs and the psychiatric unit she was in for 3 months. I really do have to stop judging people, we all have problems, that’s why we are here.
11pm and Rod still hasn’t called.
Plan for tomorrow is get up have bath, do hair, put on makeup. See Ashton, have breakfast, feed Ashton, do a group hopefully, have lunch, play scrabble with Ruth and wait for Dr Fitzpatrick. Try to convince him that I need a scan of my aorta.
I love Ashton and Rod so much I hope that they can fix me.
Good night sweethearts xxx
Monday 6th May
Well today has been pretty shitagain, I am in so much pain constantly, I just cannot think or do anything else. I just do not know what is happening, I really think that I have a problem with my aorta. I have the pins and needles in my feet, a ripping pain up my abdomen, poor circulation, my pulse raises when I stand up etc etc
Rod came up today as Dr Fitzpatrick came in to see me. He thinks that I am almost psychotic! I cannot believe it, it is not me doing this, it really is a problem with my aorta. He says no to anymore tests but the GP will see me tomorrow and they will decide whether to refer me for the abdo scan and endoscopy. I think that they pretty much influence that decision though and I presume that I will not be getting either scan and that they will just let me die and apologise to Rod and my family afterwards for getting it wrong, No one seems to appreciate that this is my life and I should be able to decide what is best for me. I have not imagined all of this pain and they really need to start listening to me either that or Ashton ends up without a mum.
Now on to other business, My hair looks like shit, had a bath and it is now the same fluffy mess that I have had my whole life. Really am thinking about this book, I really need to start somewhere and if I am dying then at least I will be kept amused during the lengthy process and if I don’t die then perhaps I will be able to get it into a publishing house and if neither of those things happen then at least I can say that I didn’t die but I do have an unpublished novel.
Really am starting to go rather mad I think.
Wait and see what the GP has to say tomorrow and if that fails then I will get the referral from Kent and Sussex for the Abdo scan and will get it done privately.
Going to try that book now.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Have come to realise that I am stuck in Ground Hog Day. It really is the same shit each day. Wake up feed Ashton, have a bath, have breakfast, take medication, listen to Ruth spout a load of undecipherable crap, bitch about Ruth;s mutterings with Emma, feed Ashton, talk to Rod, Go to hospital or for a walk, have lunch, take meds, speak to Rod, listen to Ruth’isms, talk to Emma, have dinner, maybe a visit from Rod, feed Ashton, do bottles, get a drink have a fag and go to bed, take even more fucking medication. Nothing ever changes.
This place is seriously starting to do me in. No one listens and I whole heartedly believe that I am in the wrong place, there really is something physical going on and it isn’t psycho fucking somatic. I am far too bored with myself for this to be me and not something physical. 90 percent of the staff here are complete lazy fuckers and everything that you say and do is analyzed and passed over to the other members of staff. Not of them seriously listens to me, to them this is obviously a mental problem as this is a mental hospital and not a medical one. I really am at my wits end.
Picked up a letter today from Steve. He says that I have a health anxiety and that I am seeking tests but am not gaining reassurance from them. Well of course I am not gaining reassurance from them, I still have the pain and it isn’t me doing it so what they hell is there to be reassured about. I think that I am starting to get angry now, I appreciate as I have said before that all the tests have come back negative but that does not mean that there is not something there, I can’t believe that this is continuing like this. I won’t make the progress that they desire as they expect me to learn to live with this pain which I just cannot do because it is a real pain and not one that I am creating. I will therefore be here forever. If I cry about the pain they say what’s caused the pain to get worse, well the answer is nothing is just progressively gets worse and if I don’t cry then they see that as a day when I haven’t had pain.
It really is strange how life pans out and how some get it east and others have a bloody hard time doing everything that they want to do. I never in a million years would’ve dreamt of this happening to me after giving birth, if I had then to be honest I don’t think that I would’ve fallen pregnant in the first place,. No one in their right mind would put them self through this. I feel so alone, trapped, in limbo and to be honest I feel like I am waiting to die or that I am infact dead because I am clearly not living. I am in some weird bubble that isn’t life and everything that I do is judged, it’s like waiting to go to the other side. I am absolutely shattered today but I want to rant and the growler has yet to bring my meds up.
The weather has finally turned which is good for the night time but not so good for tomorrow, Its raining and I can hear it on the roof.
Tuesday 20th May
Oh god I cannot take it anymore. I cannot believe that this is happening, it is honestly the worst thing ever and I know that I have always been scared of dying but this is beyond a joke. I really do not deserve this. I had sush high hopes for being a great mum but instead I am dying and no bastard is listening to me and if they do listen all they say is the same fucking thing, do some relaxation you are not dying. No one understands and it really is torture.
I cannot believe that I have been to so many hospitals and have had so many tests and nothing has shown up and to top it all I have to be in a ******* nut house which I know will not cure me because it’s not fucking anxiety> PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME, ILL DO ANYTHING. I honestly cannot go on like this, in this day and age someone should be able to do something instead I am being left to rot in some fricking nut house where nothing happens and people just look at me like I am crazy, All these people that are meant to love me have just turned their back on me and are letting me die.
Friday, 23 May 2008
I’m so scared. I know that there is something awful going on in my body, all of my veins have now gone really tiny, they are shrinking and I don’t know why. I really think that I am going to die. I went to the private GP yesterday and was finally taken seriously; I have got my CT scan. I just know that it is going to show something that will probably not be able to be fixed. I am so sad, I really want to live. I want to be a good mother and wife and I know that that is more than probably not going to happen.
No one believes this pain, if people had listened to me then perhaps I could’ve been saved, I know that they can do wonderful things now but I really feel that this has been left too long. I don’t want to die, please god help me to live. I even wonder whether I’ll make it through to the scan. It feels like all of my veins are tearing in my rib cage, oh god I am so scared. I’m scared that they’ll find something and at the same time I am scared that they won’t find it. All I can do is wait for next Thursday and hope that I make it and hope that they find something that is easily fixable.
Going home tomorrow until Thursday, hope that I manage to handle the pain Ok and that I can enjoy my time with my family rather than self obsessing. I still feel that no one really believes me, I think that Rod believes that something is causing the pain but he doesn’t think that it is anything serious. No one for one minute thinks that I may die from this.
Oh God please look after me and let me get better so that I can be a good wife and mother. Please let me live, I promise that I’ll do anything.
Where the fuck have my veins gone, they really have shrunk so much that I can barely see them anymore, lets just hope that it isn’t related and that it is just my body getting back to normal after pregnancy. Please god let this go away, I promise that I’ll be a better person, I promise that I’ll do anything.
Why do I have to be one of these rare cases.
I just hope that Ashton will have some memory of me if I do pass, I know that that is practically impossible as he is so young so I’ll just need to rely on others to let him know what I was like.
I really do feel like I am waiting to die and I know that it sounds like crazy talk but I’m starting to think that there is something after death, I don’t know why I feel that but all of a sudden t feels like there is clarity.
God please get me to that CT scan at least.
I love Rod and Ashton so much please let me be saved. x
A Mental Mother’s Story so Far
(Written back at the beginning of June but thought that I would post it on here anyway)
My story starts back in February when I gave birth to my first (and last!) son, a day after delivery I didn’t feel too well and my midwife thought that I had a uterine infection. This then started me worrying about my heart as I had read in the past that infections can damage your heart. I kind of freaked out and one of the GPs from the local surgery came to see me and because I was delirious and had a high temperature he then admitted me to the local maternity hospital so that they could begin me on IV antibiotics. I was starting to experience chest pain which I failed to mention to anyone as I have suffered from chest pain in the past and it was through anxiety.
After a day of being on IV antibiotics I collapsed at the hospital and when I came around I had the worst headache I have ever had in my life. They transferred me to the general medical hospital and this is where I mentioned the chest pain. They did an ECG and said that it was not my heart. They admitted me to intensive care for observation and I had two head Ct’s to rule out a blood clot, they tested my bloods for everything but everything was coming back fine apart from my white blood count which was due to the infection. I stayed in ICU for four days and I collapsed once more, I was hooked up to a heart monitor and my heart rate went from 58 to 162 when I collapsed.
Anyway ICU were happy that there was nothing that wrong with me so they sent me back to recuperate at the maternity hospital, my newborn was still there too as he had an umbilical infection and severe jaundice. I stayed there for 5 days and during this time they sent me for a chest CT as i was experiencing constant chest pain which radiated through to my back, the CT came back as normal. They also ordered an MRI of my head, this came back stating that i had brain lesions. I collapsed again that day and when I came to I had a tight band feeling around my chest and a stabbing pain in the heart area. This is when they sent me back to the general hospital as they were not really set up for anything other than maternity.
Once back at the general hospital I was seen by a young female doctor in the A and E dept who bluntly said to me ‘You will have to learn to live with this pain, it is not your heart and you should be reassured by this’. Anyway they admitted me and I was kept on the observation ward for 10 days, during this time nothing was done for me apart from an abdominal ultrasound. I was still collapsing though so they then sent me up to Kings College in London to the Neurology Dept to perform and EEG as they were interested in my brain lesions, they are apparently not that common in 27yr olds. I stayed there for 5 days, the EEG findings were normal and despite me begging and pleading for a Cardiology referral they wouldn’t give me one as an in patient. I was totally convinced that I had a heart problem. I had chest pain, chest burning, burning pins and needles up my arms, pains shooting down my arms, short of breath, an erratic pulse rate, freezing feet, poorer circulation etc etc.
Anyway, after a month in hospital I was sent home. I was far from satisfied and was convinced that they had missed something, my symptoms were getting worse and no one was listening to me. They were saying that the pain was of an unorganic origin. Over the next two weeks I had two ambulances to the local A and E and also begged my husband to drive me into the A and E a further to two times. Each time they ran the troponin blood test, d-dimer blood test and performed an ECG and chest X-Ray. All of them were normal.
I think that I managed to stay out of hospital for about another week and my husband took me to see a private cardiologist who ordered a 48hr ECG monitor, Echo and another ECG. They all came back as normal and cost us a whopping £1400 to be told that there was nothing wrong with my heart and it didn’t little to reassure me.
The crunch finally came on one Sunday, I begged my husband to take me to hospital as I was dying which he did. They performed the usual tests and said that there was nothing wrong with me and sent me on my way. I then got home and begged my husband to take me to another hospital as I really was dying and was not making it up. He did it in the end and they did blood tests and that was it and said that my heart was fine. I refused to leave the hospital and asked for them to admit me which they wouldn’t do as I was healthy so say they. I them begged for them to section me as I couldn’t go home, they wouldn’t section me as I wasn’t mental apparently. In the end I voluntarily put myself in their psychiatric ward with the real nutters and they kicked me out in the morning as I wasn’t mental. I wasn’t sick but I wasn’t mental either. I got home on the Monday morning and begged my husband to take me to yet another hospital in the end he did as I was going crazy at home. They admitted me for 5 days and I had a chest X Ray, Echo and a stress test where my heart rate went up to 184 bpm just walking for 9 minutes.
After 5 days I was accepted into a Mother and Baby unit (basically a private psychiatric clinic) where I could be with my baby. They were saying that it was all anxiety and that there was nothing wrong with me. Whilst at the unit i pretty much spent the whole time arguing that there was something wrong with me and that it had been missed and that I wasn’t anxious. During this time the pain started to evolve as a tearing pain running down the center of my abdomen from sternum to my groin, i had also developed night sweats. This is when I moved from my heart to my aorta, I had a dissected aorta and everyone was just going to let me die. I then paid for a private ultrasound of my aorta and was told that the bit they could see on the scan was perfect and not dissected at all. I didn’t believe this though as it was the wrong test and what I needed was CT scan.
I stayed in the clinic for 5 weeks and had some CBT whilst there which helped me a little, my therapist says that I have a health anxiety, of course I disagree with him. It hasn’t completely changed my way of thinking but I am not as scared as I was. It had got to the stage where I wouldn’t drink too much so that I wouldn’t have to move to even visit the toilet. He had me run up a hill to prove that I was not about to drop down dead.
When I got home on extended home leave I paid to see a private GP who referred me for a CT of my Chest, Upper Abdomen and Pelvis, again I had to pay for this privately. I knew that this would be the test that would show up my Aorta problem. The results came back and again they had missed it but the scan managed to pick up Thymic tissue in the midstenum, ovarian cysts and an enlarged uterous.
The scan was two weeks ago and I still think that there is something wrong with my aorta and that it has been missed and that I am going to die. I am living in constant fear and I feel so alone that I am just being left to die and that no one will believe me. My symptoms never go despite the fact that I am calm with it now rather than freaking out. I have no normal life and to be honest I am not really living. I know that nothing can help me, there are no more tests to be done, the NHS has said that it is psycho symatic and I have used all of our savings on private doctors and tests only to not believe the doctors and i have had zero reassurance that the tests have come back normal.
First Holiday As A Mum
Well, this is my first blog and despite the thought that I put into this before I actually got around to doing it, I am actually at a loss as to what to write. So, I have settled on what is on the forefront of my mind this week. So here it goes…..
It has been over 19 months since myself and my husband have had a holiday and a relative has been kind enough to give us the gift of holiday, basically they are paying for it but we get to choose where we go and book it ourselves.
We will be taking our 7 month old son with us, and as we are not able to go until later in the year it has left us with very limited options as to where to go. After weeks and weeks of deliberation we have settled on a location, however, this would not be everyone’s first choice to take their baby. We have looked at Cyprus, The Canaries and Egypt but we have decided on Kenya. After doing lots of research on the internet I have been able find to little information about taking a baby to Kenya or indeed Africa in general, I guess that this is because not many people go there let alone take their babies. It has been a complete hohar so far, what with booking the accomodation and trying to sort of immunisations.
After a serious amount of time internet surfing and reading reviews we settled on Severin Sea Lodge in Bamburi. We really wanted to go to The Turtle Bay Beach Club in Watamu as we had been there before and fell in love with the place, but it is just extortionate to go there and it is a 2 and a half hour very bumpy transfer and after 10hrs on a plane with a 10 month old baby that would just be hell. Severin Sea Lodge is on the beach, 4 star, All Inclusive, reasonably priced, has great reviews and is only a 30 minute transfer from Mombassa airport. So we booked and I then called the Tonbridge Masta Travel Clinic and it turns out our son cannot have immunisations or malaria tablets , well, so said the stern nurse that I spoke to (despite the fact that we discussed the possibility of Kenya with a Nurse at the surgery months ago who said it would be fine as there is now a childs form of Malarone). We made an appointment to see our GP and he has said that the baby can indeed have Larium as an anti-malarial drug so that is great news. He cannot however have typhoid until his is 3, Hep A or Yellow Fever. After a lengthy discussion with the GP he has soothed our fears and has said that it is fine for our baby to go. Apparently Hep A is only like a cold in infants and then they are immune to it for life, Yellow Fever is very rare in the part of Kenya that we are going to and he won’t be drinking their water anyway. So we are going to go and I am just going to steralise everything to death and disinfect everything so avoid any germs or any contact with Typhoid, we will probably try and take enough baby food with us so that he won’t even have to touch the food. So now I just have to get my typhoid booster and malaria presciptions for us all and that is us set health wise.
After all of the important stuff is out of the way you start to think about the material things that you’ll need for your trip and it just seems to endless. We are already at a disadvantage as the baby does not get any luggage allowance with First Choice and they do not even let you purchase additional luggage allowance, I am sure that they are just after fleecing you at check in for excess luggage allowance. Realistically the baby is going to need one sampsonite case to himself, this is going to be a challenge, I find that I usually end up having my own case and some of my husbands’ case too! I guess that it is going to be just one of everything for me and my husband.
Really looking forward to the holiday now and am going to start doing the countdown soon! Woo hoo Kenya here we come.
